How About a Game of Miniature Golf?


While working in my flower beds, I noticed a small hole. What is that? I wondered, praying it was not a snake hole. As I continued weeding, I noticed more and more of them. I couldn’t have that many snakes, I thought, remembering a scene from Crocodile Dundee. Besides, I’ve lived here 20 years and have never seen a snake. Why would they suddenly move to my yard and bring the relatives.

No, it must be something else. Moles? I’ve never seen one, but I know they makes holes and dig tunnels under the ground. So, what do I do to get rid of moles in my yard? I wondered. I looked it up. It seems there are many different ways to get rid of moles and many opinions on the best method of doing the deed.

“Get rid of the grubs in your lawn and they will go away.” What are grubs? I wondered. I looked that up also and found that they are larva. How does one go about getting rid of grubs, I wondered. You can’t just send an eviction notice and wait for them to move.

Probably it would be easier to be direct and get rid of the mole itself. “Just keep stomping down the tunnels and they will go away,” was another opinion. Obviously, the moles like it here and will simply dig more holes.

“The only sure way is to trap it,” say many people. The picture of the trap is atrocious. You have to figure out which tunnel is active by covering it, waiting to see if it is uncovered, and then set the trap there. I would probably end up stepping in that vicious trap myself and trying to explain to the ER doctor how it happened. Cross that off.

As sinister as it seems, I decided that poison was probably the best way to go. I went to the hardware store and purchased a box of poison pellets. I put it off and put it off, finally I realized I couldn’t do it. It seems inhumane. Even though it is only a pesky mole, it is a tiny, furry, living creature. What if it has babies?

There were suggestions of various things to put in the holes to drive them away, dry ice, bleach, car exhaust, and castor oil being the most popular. Where do you find castor oil? I went to the drug store, except I forgot what it was called and asked for camphorated oil. “Never heard of it,” the sales person said, looking at me as if I were weird.

I guess I am back to the grubs. I called a professional lawn service. “Yes, they could spray for grubs,” and it would only cost an arm, a leg and my firstborn child. So I hired them. After the lawn service applied chemicals to my lawn, there was a tap on my door. “If you want to get rid of them faster, use castor oil with red pepper, advised the lawn expert.” Scream! Castor oil again?

So, back to the store, but this time I remembered it was castor oil and found it on the shelf. The stuff has been sitting on my cabinet for over a week now. I keep finding excuses. It is too hot, I’m too busy, I’m tired, maybe they will pack up and leave when the grub smorgasbord closes.

I might as well face it, my lawn is doomed. Moles will make unsightly tunnels and dig enough holes to turn it into a miniature golf course. I am actually feeling badly about hiring a hit man for the innocent little grubs.
What can I do?

How about a game of miniature golf?

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